Some time ago, I finished a training on personal transformation. I spoke about my journey, and I wrote a poem about it as well. I presented it to the community that supported my journey.
For me it is still relevant today, about what matters, and who I am. I wish it for you to be useful as well.
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When I started this journey around 7 years ago, I realized I had a dysfunctional way of looking at myself, and at other people, including my ex-girlfriend, who just broke up with me; because she had to protect herself from being damaged even more.
It was then, that I realized I simply could not love somebody on even a basic level. My words at that time were "I am not emotionally mature enough, for being 29 years old, I am just not where I want to be." That was the first thread I started to follow.
Gradually, after some exploring, and some more, I found myself in a very grave place.
I was waking up in a real life nightmare; It was like when you get back to your house after a long vacation, but seeing that the whole house is in complete chaos. In every room there is furniture laying on the ground, clothes and mess everywhere. The fundaments and walls were about to crumble, with maybe only the front wall looking somewhat straight, so that I could convince myself I was doing okay. Actually, I was in the middle of crumbling down, like the tower card from the Major Arcana from the Tarot deck.
So, what do you do when you find yourself like that? What did I do?
Ignoring this was impossible, so it was either stopping with this incarnation, or gather up the courage, the will and the determination, to start facing, everything.
From my deepest powers I started to create a life for myself that was deeply focused on transformation. Around my fourth year I also quit my job for this.
I submerged myself in any therapy I could find which made sense to me. I needed to start something moving that was utterly stuck. And also for my intense desperation for trying anything but staying the same. To give you an idea, I took a nose dive in the following: The Grinberg method, core energetics, Osho retreats in India, tantra&shamanism, Alexander Technique, all kinds of dancing, waterfasting,(for example only drinking water for 2 weeks), eating only fruit, eating crystal powder, visiting power places, visiting power people, neurofeedback, Paida Lajin,(a Chinese yoga), interpersonal meditation, extradimensional healing and channeling, tarot, biofeedback, salt & magnesium chambers, and also energetic devices like the Rife machine and the Multi Wave Oscillator.
You could say I became addicted to therapy and transformation. Although, what is an addiction if it is the only thing that can really save you? Gradually it became my truth that outside self-development, the world does not exist.
But, in the past month I started to wind down all of this. I have come to a next point: in which I have found all major treasures of my past, and my next challenge is to actually start living, with who I am in this moment.
Looking back, the list of things I have discovered is just too long to even begin mentioning on what dimension, form or practical benefit I have evolved. As for core energetics, I am immensely grateful for the opportunities I have received on exploring my self-expression, my hate and anger, and other themes that relate to my attachment. And in my transformation group, the biggest gift, is that I learned to become more accepting of myself, and by that also accepting other people more for who they are.
So having this background, I want to share something else:
♡
I want to tell
to myself
and to you
as my witnesses
how beautiful I have become
It is something that I thought
was never even remotely possible
I have found it
and still am finding
Sometimes
I am starstruck by my softness
my intention of kindness to others
needing nothing in return
being able to shine from within
When something like that happens
and I realize it afterwards
it can touch me to tears
And sometimes it can frighten me as well
as I think of how I used to be someone else
More and more
I can release myself from a very deep old belief
that I am very ugly from the inside
I can see how that was being fed
and I can cut the cords
I can see more and more
how I have been hated
abused
and misused
And how I started doing that to myself
and to my environment
I understand how I could see myself for only being that
and how I hid myself
very far away
Very far away
from my own dignity and power
But being able to see that
I also see
more and more
That within me lives a personification of softness
which I cannot yet always show
but it does
always exist
And that I can continue
trusting
that I will
no matter what
always return to that softness
creating a deep knowing
a deep existence
Who and how I am that
and who that is inside me
the more I think about that
the more it becomes a grey area
And when I try to claim that
it slowly turns into black
But when I let it exist inside me
without name
but with a deep trust
it becomes shining white
and then I become
that shining white
♡