For a long time, I could only feel intense hate and an enormous sense of betrayal towards my parents. When I was near someone who reminded me in even the remotest sense of my parents, I would feel an enormous feeling of hate for a short second, after which I pushed this feeling away, because it wasn't about that some one person. But I believed I was that hate,My hate was so huge, I just didn't know what to do with it.
Because of the abuse in my childhood, at early adulthood my life was steered into a deadlock, being checkmate. Realizing this, I became desperate to try anything but staying the same. Knowing that listening to my mind has failed me, without knowing, I opened to start searching with my heart.
When a baby explores his hands and feet, he doesn't yet realize what sensations he feels in his body. He starts to discover that some of his sensations are connected to how he uses his hands and feet, that he actually has them, and later on that his limbs can help him in life. In this same way, I had to discover my heart again, how to actually listen to it, and experiencing my heart makes my life worth living. I discovered the heart provides an extremely rich frame of reference to orientate life, with truths far deeper than the truths of the mind. And the more I see that, the more my gratefulness grows towards life. Even towards my parents: they played their role very well. My childhood was never about having very loving parents with integrity, it was about preparing me for this immensely rich lesson on life, learning to reconnect with my heart.
So I find myself in this paradoxical reality, being able to feel immense anger toward what happened, and being able to feel utmost gratefulness for life. The more I feel, accept, and heal my abuse, the more I can re-establish what happened to me, but more importantly: what I feel and who I am. And it is this immense depth is what makes me say yes to life, more and more.
The feelings we create in any situation, is one of the deepest parts of our existence. And thus by allowing our feelings to exist, even if they seem outrageous or extremely disrespectful, we allow ourselves to exist. Depending on the way we act on these feelings, we can drag ourselves down, or nourish our power and dignity.
My aliveness was decreased by having experienced severe abuse during my childhood. I had many unpleasing feelings and memories, that I had to refuse to feel by living in my mind.
How I thought life worked was turned out to be very far away from the reality.
I was forced to try turn a life around, my life that was utterly stuck.
Consequently, I was forced to let go of my view on the world, and surrender to try anything if could find a deeper truth.
I learned that no matter what difficulties in life I still may be facing, I will always find a piece of beauty that belongs to me. Even if it seems very scary or confronting, it always makes life more rich, more joyful, more worthwhile of living.
-rootedness-
-unique depth-
-deep trust-
-commanding reality-
The truth that I found is that if I let go of everything, the only thing that remains is the beauty of me being life itself.